Struggling Through The Darkness

In the early days when I was all jumbled up internally, I harbored thoughts that I had never thought I had inside of me. I wanted to leave everthing behind. I wished that no one had ever known me. Disappearing into the sea of life seemed like a plausible solution to the darkness I felt in my heart.

I' m nowhere near those days now but the thoughts of those things have crept into me in recent days. I guess that this is part of the process of transition. It's tough because I know the answer is down the road. It's the figuring out and waiting that's hard. I do believe that putting myself on the line will be one element of the next chapter in my life. That I do believe. In the meantime I will seek, search, and pray for direction.
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A Bit Of A Down TIme

For the past few weeks I have been experiencing a down period. I'm not depressed; it' just another crossroads that I've come to. This is by far the longest down period I've had. I have some ideas as to what I would like to do (activism, educating others about being transgender, writing) but I'm not going to rush into anything. 

I have to admit this has been building up in me for awhile. I'm just trusting the Lord for guidance and direction. 

Genevieve's Gems

Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.

~H. Jackson Browne, Jr.

Pride Month

We kicked off pride month by having our annual prom last Friday. My spouse ad I danced our tails off. This month has become a traditionally busy one for the church. Today we celebrated Pentecost. Today's service was different with communion, the dance ministry performing and the children's choir singing.

Over the past year many churches have had to deal with the TGLB issues. Some have discovered that there are members within their on congregation who are trans, gay, lesbian, bi, and other gender non conforming identities. Perhaps they knew it all along but kept to the margins. This has been a long time coming. Forty years ago such topics were taboo. Now it come more into the open. I say that it's about time. 

I will beat attending the pride parade serving water to the marchers. Some think that pride marches have lost its relevance because of the corporate sponsors. That much is true. I would love to see the parade show more from the political and activist angle because that side of the picture is coming more to the fore. 

The landscape is changing and I'm happy to be a part of it. Changes are happening in places that were thought difficult. Places like Arkansas, Mississippi and Alabama are tackling TGLB issues. I say right on! We are o the march.  

Transgender 101

This past Sunday, the adult education class at church featured transgender basics to members of the church. A number of people (about 20) came. Tracy, a transsexual woman , and I shared our experiences which quite different. What was really clarified was the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. 

A number of questions were asked of both Tracy and me. Later a few people thanked me for clarifying their questions. We will have another such class in November a we get near Transgender Day of Remembrance.

Transgender Ministry

This past Sunday after service, the associate pastor mentioned to me that he's considering starting a ministry for transgender people in the fall. I like the idea because it will be a place where transgender can do things together. There are transgender people in the neighborhood and from what I understand a few in our church. However, trans people are invisible. I am excited about this prospect. I' m sure there will be more discussions in the future.

Genevieve's Gems

Press forward. Do not stop, do not linger in your journey, but strive for the mark set before you.

~George Whitefield, Clergyman (1714-1770)

My Journey-A Continuing Saga

When I was an athlete, I enjoyed the practices ore than the actual event. To me the preparation was a part of where I wanted to reach. The picture above reminds of the continual journey I'm on now. It seems lonely at times but it's a journey no one else can take for me. 

Yesterday, I was sitting in a quiet spot meditating. The thought came that there's more roads to trod. I may not understand where and why I'm being led this way however I can't go back to where I was. I have looked back at my life many, many times and saw that the footprints that I left behind me were gone. So much has changed in the last decade and so have I.

 

Retired-And Busy As Ever

I am unofficially retired. If a part time job that I like comes up I will investigate it. I don't want to go through the 9-to-5 grind anymore. I am busier now than ever before. I'm able to do things that I have a passion for.

Writing is one of my passions. Still working on a chapbook I want to publish. Recently I dived into activism having attended Equality and Justice Day in Albany a few weeks ago. There are a few hot button issues that I'm interested in. There's not a lack of activities to do. I said years ago that when I retire I'm going to be doing something. Now I have the opportunity.

People should enjoy retirement years because they have earned it. Find things you are passionate about and pursue them. Two of my goals are to get my master's degree and learn to play bass guitar. I know one dear lady in her eighties who does such wonderful needlework and quilt making. Remember some of the best times are ahead of you.

Genevieve's Gems

There are dreamers and there are achievers. The difference between the two is action.


~Chinese Proverb 

From Then To Now

It was about this time nine years ago that my gender struggles came to the fore. I had never had such issues in the past. That's what really confused me. It wasn't an easy time for me because I didn't know what I was grappling with. 

In the following weeks things became clearer to me. I discovered that I was a cross dresser. moving ahead I saw that feelings ran much deeper than clothing. In time I realized that I was transgender. There were discoveries, struggles, research, meeting people, support groups, and trials by fire. Embracing each experience help moved me forward to where I needed to get to. 

Now, nine years later, I am a happy and content transgender woman. I'm being the person that I really am. Every day I discover something new. I learned long ago how fluid gender is. Trying to say I have it under control is like trying to grasp water. I just enjoy the ride. 

Gay Head Lighthouse

Located on the western end of Martha's Vineyard, Gay Head Lighthouse is located in Anniquah, Massachusetts.I did a research of the town and discovered that it was once inhabited by Indians. Gay Head was the first lighthouse constructed on Martha's Vineyard.

Gay Head Lighthouse was first constructed in 1799. The current structure was first lit in 1856 and automated in 1960.   


Sources

www.lighthousefriends.com

wikipedia.org

www.gayheadlight.org

Time Off

I took several days off from posting so I can recharge and refocus. I do this periodically because there is so much going on that I needed to slow down a bit. 

Equality and Justice Day is till very much on my mind. I'm choosing which battles I should join. Such is the life of an activist. I don't want to spread myself so thin that I'm not able to make a contribution. The next several weeks will be busy what with graduations, proms, weddings, pride month in June and celebrations of various ministries.

Genevieve's Gems

Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children.


~William Makepeace Thackeray

Much To Do

I had time to reflect on the past week and have concluded that there's much to do on my end. I was at the library gathering information to give out to various people and places about transgender topics. I feel the battle lines are drawn now because the opposition is getting bolder and so are we. I also see that more people are asking questions about transgender and what it entails.

The military is grappling with why transgender people are not allowed to serve. Churches and schools have been grappling with it also. This is an exciting time and I want to be a part of the solution. Whatever I can do, I will. If someone can be helped, I will help them. We have a right to be who we are without being harassed, demeaned or become victims of violence. In the end we will win.

Traveling The Land

This past Tuesday, I journeyed to Albany, New York for Equality ad Justice Day. Took the above route to Albany. Viewing all the streams, hills and valleys, it reminded me of my days as a scout. I loved the outdoors and nature. Still do.

When I saw this I imagined myself with a backpack traveling around the countryside. I'm part Indian and do have ties to the land. I passed by many streams and rills. I can imagine what it was like traversing the land 400 years ago.

On my way back, sadness came over me. Much of our lands and natural resources are being polluted, hydrofracked, and destroyed by corporations and developers who care nothing about it except to make profits.

Day A Success

Yesterday, I traveled to Albany, New York to partake in Equality and Justice Day. I met a number of activists, advocates, and allies. A group of us met an assemblywoman who supports our causes. After lunch, there was a rally on the capital steps.  In the afternoon, I attended a workshop which is looking to push the gender employment non-discrimination act through the senate. What was brought home was the needs to voice the concerns of transgender women of color.

I listened as a high school freshman share a heart breaking story of a friend who is a transman who is bullied by others in her school. She is a cisgirl who is standing by him. I encouraged her to keep standing with him. I was encouraged by the many young people who participated in this.

This was my baptism into activism. Now I'm figuring out what to become involved in. Employment non-discrimination act the better services for TGLBQ older adults are two areas of concern for me. I was happy to have gone and look forward to going next year.

Transgender Topics Have Come To the Front

One discussion that is more frequent is the Christian vs. TGLBQI debate. I am a Christian who happens to be transgender and I find myself being drawn into this debate.

When I acknowledged being a cross dresser early in my journey, I had heard the arguments against wearing clothes of the opposite gender. Leviticus 22:5 was used to justify the prohibition. I decide to investigate this further. I came to the conclusion that God loves everyone equally regardless of gender or sexuality.

I still have yet to see a satisfactory reason why transgender people are an abomination in some Christians eyes. Christ died for my sins just like anybody whose has found salvation. He has been in my life for over four decades.How is it that people and churches can claim that they love Jesus and hate TGLBQI people.What I see is religious, social and educational  institutions having to grapple with something they never dreamed they would have to. It's happened in the past with African Americans, Native Americans, women, and immigrants so it's nothing new.

I am hopeful that changes will continue to be made, especially in places of worship. I'm my mind all of the excuses why TGLBQI shouldn't be included in places of worship, education, and social institutions aren't valid or at the worst, bogus which has been proven in many cases.  

Genevieve's Gems

The best government is that which teaches us to govern ourselves.


~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Poet (1749-1832)

Gender Just Is

I had difficulty sleeping a few nights back. It was a fine time for my gender to be fluid when I was wanting to sleep. As I embraced the contentment I felt in those moments, I realized how much gender permeates everything I do. I don't consciously think about, it just is.

Embracing my transness made it easy for me to proceed forward as I transitioned. I haven't had SRS surgery but I certainly have transitioned emotionally and spiritually. What was important is that I was willing to change preconceived notions I had about what gender really is.

Many of our critics are in the religious communities and their lack of knowledge is really evident. I have had to educate some about gender and the difference between gender and sexuality. I have been pointing out that we are who we are and its natural. Over the next several weeks there will be opportunities to share this.

I have been happier in the past nine years than at any time in my life. Being authentic is wonderful for the mind and body and spirit. To be anything less robs us of the joy and happiness that we can have.