Sunday, April 20, 2008

Gender Struggles Revealed in Past Writings

I was reading over some short stories I had written several years ago. What it revealed was that I was struggling with gender and sexual identity and didn't know it. I fancied myself a stripper, a connoisseur of the alternative culture, and curried an interest in leather culture. Despite the great interest, none of these things really fit me. This was about 2002 or 2003.
Though I was enthralled by these things, I maintained that I would not become involved with them. I was being drawn toward letting myself experience gender and sexual diversity. For a while I thought I may be bisexual or pansexual but I was not sexually attracted to men. I ruled that idea out but still I was confused. I never experienced thoughts like this in my life- and I was in my fifties!
Looking back, I kept being drawn into something that I did not understand. I had felt that I was different since my thirties. I also like people and activities that were outside the norm though I was just an observer. Now it seemed that my days of being a wallflower were nearing an end. The next couple of years would reveal more inner turmoil. The 'urges' inside me kept getting stronger and more frequent. I was afraid. How was this going to affect my family and my livelihood?
The day I tried on my spouse's skirt was a turning point in my life. In a few weeks I realized that I was a cross dresser. All the 'urges' and desires I had crystallized after one counselling session.
I was in denial for several weeks. 'It will pass!' I kept saying to myself but my body was telling me differently. I was reading much about cross dressing and transgender at the time. When I finally embraced my cross dressing and transgender identity, all of the struggle and tension dissipated. I was at peace with my decision and I haven't looked back since.
Today, I am a happy and content cross dresser and transgender. I have been completed and liberated. I would encourage every one struggling with gender and sexuality to seek counseling to sort out their feeelings. I wonder if letting people explore their gender would lessen all the remorse and guilty hoisted upon them? I thank God for who I am. I'm free to be the person that He wants me to be.



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