One question that inevitably comes up is will I transition? I will not transition because I love being a male. While I have been learning what transitioning invlved, being a crossdresser is not easy either. We are not accepted by society, face bigotry and violence and seek the same rights as gays, lesbians, and bisexuals. Even in the trans community, crossdressers are hard to categorize. In spite of some debate about our role, the thing to remember is we are in the same boat. Another issue is coming out to family, friends, and coworkers.
We as a community should try to understand where each other is coming from. We need to respect and value the other person as a unique individual. I love the fact that I am a crossdresser and am not ashamed of it. I admire those who make that choice to transition because they are taking a huge step to becoming their true selves. We as a community should be happy about our uniquesness and work to build positive relationships with all people in the transgender community. Remember, we are in this together, and we need each other for support.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Every now and then I will ask myself why I became a crossdresser? There's nothing in my background to suggest that I would have gone this route. I had a good upbringing with few problemsand was liked by those who knew me. I am a quiet, laid back individual who tries to get along with everyone.
I have always been drawn to unusual and strange things. I consider myself somewhat eccentric because I will digress from the normal vein of thought. It was in late May or June when I began to question my maleness. Was I gay? Bisexual? Trans? A woman in a man's body? It was crazy! Here I was; a man in his fifties questioning his gender. That was a scary thought.
I got the urge to try on my wife's clothing, which I did. It was an erotic rush to wear panties. I tried on a dress, a skirt, blouse, and slip. It was a rush. Was I a crossdresser? When the urges didn't lessen, I got worried. I spoke to a couple of couselors and laid it all out to them. They explain that I was questioning my gender, and that maybe I was a crossdresser. The urges continued for a couple of more weeks. The pressure and stress were mounting until I admitted to myself that I am a crossdresser. All the stress and worries dissipated. I feel liberated, complete, and content.
I have purchased feminine clothing: panties, a dress, tops, bra, a gown, a skirt, and couple of wigs. I paint my toenails, too. I look forward to the day when I will go out totally en femme. Another goal is to march in the gay pride parade as a crossdresser.
Now to answer to the question why I crossdresser: I just enjoy wearing feminine things. My eyes have been opened to a world that is maligned by societal bigotry. I have met other crossdressers, transsexuals, intersexed, questioning and others within the umbrella of transgender.
I love the people I have met at the community center and on the internet. The support has been great. I see myself as a transgender heterosexual crossdresser. I don't feel ashamed or embarrased at all. This is just another part of me and I am content. Someday I want to come out to my spouse but I cannot at this time. Once again, I am involved with something outside the norms of society, which is fine with me. Each day is a new day in my journey and I am enjoying the ride.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Thinking about the meeting I attended last night, it opened a floodgate of emotions I felt prior to being a crossdresser. I have always been quiet and introspective, keeping my feelings inside. I had been wanting to bust out the past few years, but the time was not right. If I rushed ahead, the results could have been disastrous.
While I was regaining my health, I had much time to reflect on where I wanted to go. I rediscovered things I enjoyed in my twenties. I meditated on spiritual things, reconnected with my body, and let go of all my frustrations. It was the best thing I could have done. My health problems allowed me to smell the roses.
In the months prior to, and after I admitted that I was a crossdresser, my life blossomed in many ways. I felt complete, liberated, and at peace with the decision I made. I have always felt that I was different. I did not know why, but I did. I have always been drawn to things outside the norms of society. In a real sense, I am a global person. I love to communicate with people from all over the world.
The umbrella is much wider in the transgender community than I originally thought. I have a love and respect for each transgender person because we are definitely on a journey. There will be bitter times and there will be sweet times, but the journey is what matters. In the end, we will be the richer for it.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
This past Sunday, I tried on my wigs. I have a shoulder length black wig, and a brown and black curly wig. I am trying to decide which one would look beeter on me. It has been quiet the past three days. I been doing a lot of reading about transgender people. The community has a much wider range of transgenderism. To me, the labels are not important. It is how you feel about yourself. I am peaceful and content.
The gender drop-in meeting was good. We had some new people who are in the questioning stage. Next time we meet I want to get to know them and share my experiences.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
The gender drop-in group I am with is coming along fine. We are discussing issues of transgender men and women. It is a ten week session, having completed the second week. I have met other transgendered folks and I am starting to feel comfortable. I seem to be a kindred spirit to those outside the norms of society.
I may have to come out to my wife sooner than I wanted to. She found a pair of my panties mixed in the wash she was folding up. I am not afraid, just trying to think about how to bring up the subject. I was also asked to speak to the group next week about issue of coming out, so stay tuned.
I am still working on my fall wardrobe. Shoes are next on the list and then make-up. I am happy where my life as a crossdresser is headed. I keep learning something new all the time. It has taken a turn now that I am deciding whether or not to come out with my spouse.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
One of the most difficult things for us to do is to let go of the negative feelings we have. It is magnified with us transgenders because of the hostility we experience from many sides. When life is pressing down on me, I pray to God telling him how much I need Him in my life. By letting Him handle the situation, I do not have to go around downcast or ashamed. Jesus changed my life many years ago, and He is still doing so now. I meditate too; focusing on God rather than my problems. I relax my whole body, one part at a time. When I am finished, my spirit is refreshed.
I am not preaching at you. I am saying do not neglect your spiritual life. It is part of of you along with the physical and emotional aspects. We trans people go through a lot and I find that my out look is different when I pray. I pray for you because I love you and care about you.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
My wife and I browsed around in a Lane Bryant's store after services. She was looking at all the beautiful fall fashions. She liked the sweaters, skirts and dresses. I liked the panties, camisoles, and negligee. She commented on the items that would good on her. I thought the same thing for myself. Crossdressers have the best of both worlds.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
It was a lovely day. It stopped raining after three straight days of torrential downpours. I took a walk then rode the bus downtown. Once again, I browsed the women's sections of the department stores.There are a lot of great fall fashions this year. I think it has been the best in several years. The colors are brighter and the styles sexy, yet dressy. I am looking for shoes, a dress and a suit. This coming weekend I will get some shoes and possibly a dress.
I saw another crossdresser today, dressed like a flamingo dancer. She was dressed in all black. She drew a lot of attention, but I liked the fact she was out there being herself. That is a goal of mine; to go out in public in femme mode. I am getting closer to realizing it, taking one step at a time.
Whether we are called a crossdresser or a transvestite, it should not make a difference. I know there is some negative connotations with 'transvestite', but do you care? I may have made commented about it, but if someone has to call you foul names to assert their manhood that is a reflection on them.
EVERYBODY HAVE A GOOD NIGHT!
Friday, October 14, 2005
Things are good! It has been a wonderful week, having reached a few milestones. I know thereis more to come.
I am reading an interesting book; 'Finding the Real Me'. It is the stories of transgender men and women and the things they went thorough. I will critique it for you when I am finished. I amsearching the internet for crossdresser books. Someone shared with me a couple of websites that are intersting (www.fictionmania.com)and (www.storysite.org).
I am working on a short story with a crossdresser as the main character. One thing I would love to see someday is a play with an all-transgender and transvestite cast. I think that would be cool.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Today, I achieved a couple of milestone in my life as a crossdresser. I wore a bra to work under my shirt for the first time. I also purchased my first two wigs. It was great to move a step closer to going enfemme in public (at least partially). I need help with make up because this is my next challenge. Some day I want to appear before the drop-in group in femme. That would be a victory for Genevieve (my alter ego).
I have been seeing so many beautiful sweaters this year. I have narrowed down my wardrobe basic colors (though not strictly) to blues, red, and black. I love the idea of wearing a red dress with shoes and purse to match. I have always had a sense of fashion and coordinating colors.
In future postings, I will intermingle some poetry and essays and possibly a short story. Ther's so much I want to share with my transgender family. There's someone out there that needs to be affirmed, or encouraged, or just to know They are not alone.
Monday, October 10, 2005
I was thinking about the psychological changes crossdressers experience. Some of it is good, some is sobering, and some I wonder what is next. I expected it but it is quite a journey. I think the toughest adjustment is incorporating the male and feminine side to where you are a balanced individual.
I picked up two more pairs of panties today. I am looking for a red dress and red shoes. I want to dress up and go out someday as a female. Each day I am getting bolder; taking the plunge towards my transformation as an out CD. I feel so happy and fulfilled and loving the idea of developing the feminine side of me.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
This past week was the best week of my life as a crossdresser. It is not that I dressed up a lot, but it was the idea of being a part of the transgender community. I came out to other transgender men and women at a gender drop-in meeting which was very liberating. We are men and women who love and enjoy life like anybody else.
I have heard disparaging remarks about us. If others have to say horrible things about other people, to me, that is a reflection on them. I feel good about myself and you should feel good about yourself, too. I do not let what others say about me affect me. We have such a diverse community; maybe that is why we are belittled so much.
Right now, I am bubbling over with emotion because I love you and want to give everything I can to the community. Crossdressing and being a crossdresser has introduced me to a wonderful family I am privileged to be a part of.
Friday, October 07, 2005
I finishing reading J.J.Allen's 'The Man In The Red Velvet Dress.' It is a great book in that Allen covers the whole spectrum of transgender life. He is a crossdresser which makes him a credible source. He is level headed and honest about his life. What I like about the book is that he offers solutions to the petty things that threaten to split the transgender community. This is a great book for the whole transgender community.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Tonight, I wore a bra out in public for the first time. I attended a meeting with other transgendered people. It was great meeting other crossdressers and transsexuals as we shared our experiences, fears, and desires. It took courage for all of us to share our lives with strangers. My feeling is that we will not be strangers for long. In a couple of weeks I will have a cup of coffee with a transgender woman. It was one of the highlights of my crossdressing life so far.
I have always loved a good footnote or quote from someone. In many instances, it speaks directly to us. I found this saying among my papers which, I believe, speaks to us crossdressers.
It is good to have an end to journey towards;
but it is the journey that matters in the end
-Ursula K. Leguin
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
As I have scanned the internet, read articles and books, and scoured through magazines, I see that the lives of crossdressers is very diverse. There are crossdressers of every race, religion, and socioeconomic background. The reasons why we crossdress are many and varied. The point is that there are a lot of us out there.
I would love to see transgenders be more open to others in the community. Personally, I would love to befriend a transsexual, another CD, and androgynist. Whether or not the person comes out is irrelevant. I really have a love for the transgender community. I want us to do well and succeed in our public and private lives.
Monday, October 03, 2005
I purchase panties almost every time I am in a store. At a dollar a pair you cannot go wrong. I am a panties enthusiast,and I try to purchase colors that match (or will match) my outfits. I am still trying to decide on my fall wardrobe colors. I am choosing between olive and teal.
One of the most asked questions is why I crossdress? I just enjot it. I had no desire to crossdress in the past. One day, I just had the urge to put on my wife's clothes, which I did. I have not looked back since. I am comfortable with my decision to remain closeted. Sex was not my motive because I am happily married. I love to wear women's clothes because there are so many beautiful styles and colors.
I think coming into crossdressing late in life (started in June) gives me a level headed
persepective about it. Crossdressing is another facet of my life.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
I read Amy Bloom's book Normal. It is about her interviews with transsexuals, crossdressers, hermaphrodites, the intersexed, doctors, parents, activists, and other folks. It is the first book I have read about transgender people. It has increased my knowledge about what we go through.
I though Bloom did a decent job interviewing the crossdressers. She could have presented more positive interviews of CDs who really love their lives. I felt she interviewed the transsexuals at arm's length. Bloom seemed to be uncomfortable in their presence and may have underestimated the psychological changes transsexuals go through. She did a good job with the hermaphrodites. I don't know much about the intersexed, so I will have to find out more about this community.
On a scale of one to ten, I rate this book a six and one-half. It is a good book for someone new to the transgender community. Normal can be improved on with more people who enjoy their diversity and more in-depth interviews.