I lie in bed this morning reminiscing over the many labels that us transgenders have put on us. I thought more about what I refer myself as. I'm comfortable with the ones that I call myself though I never let those labels define me. In a strange way I find for myself empowered by them.
I am transgender, transvestite, queer, heterosexual, and androgynous. I'm not ashamed to call myself these because they accurately describe how I see myself inwardly. When I embraced crossdressing and transgender identity, it changed my perception about how gender is constructed by the medical establishment. Just as no two people are alike, there are no two people alike in expressing their gender/sexuality.
I feel that I have been set free from the constraints of what others say about what I should be. I see the many forces trying to tell us who we are and what we should be. I ask who does that benefit? How many transgender people have committed suicide because of this nonsense. I love the title of Kate Bornstein's book 'Gender Outlaw' because I am transgressing the gender binary system.
Yes, I'm very,very content about how I describe myself and about how I feel about who I am. If people call me transgender or transvestite or queer, I'm ok with it. I feel honored by it.

GENEVIEVE'S GEMS

Seeing others succeed means more to me than the honors
bestowed on me.

Gender Struggles Cont'd...

In the blog for 4/20, I discussed my gender struggles revealed in my writings. Today I read a poem I had written that probably will make clearer my struggle to discover who I was. Here it is.

URGES

They beckon you at every spare moment,
Drawing you into its web.
You resist, you put it off
but it engulfs you.
You give in to its desires.
All innocence is gone
The mystery is no more.

6/20/2004

As you can see, this was written a year prior to my questioning my gender. I didn't know that I was questioning my masculinity and yet I was being drawn deeper into something that I didn't understand. I was wondering if if this was some abyss that I could never climb out of. I imagine that more LGBT folks go through this more than its mentioned. What I find repulsive is when the medical establishment labeled us as 'mentally disturbed'.
If transgenders were allowed to express and live who they are, would it have spared so many from abusing drugs and alcohol or taking their lives? I'm happy that the younger generation is being themselves and not caring about what others think or say. I'm pleased now that my life was progressed the way it has. I believe that I am the richer for it.

Gender Struggles Revealed in Past Writings

I was reading over some short stories I had written several years ago. What it revealed was that I was struggling with gender and sexual identity and didn't know it. I fancied myself a stripper, a connoisseur of the alternative culture, and curried an interest in leather culture. Despite the great interest, none of these things really fit me. This was about 2002 or 2003.
Though I was enthralled by these things, I maintained that I would not become involved with them. I was being drawn toward letting myself experience gender and sexual diversity. For a while I thought I may be bisexual or pansexual but I was not sexually attracted to men. I ruled that idea out but still I was confused. I never experienced thoughts like this in my life- and I was in my fifties!
Looking back, I kept being drawn into something that I did not understand. I had felt that I was different since my thirties. I also like people and activities that were outside the norm though I was just an observer. Now it seemed that my days of being a wallflower were nearing an end. The next couple of years would reveal more inner turmoil. The 'urges' inside me kept getting stronger and more frequent. I was afraid. How was this going to affect my family and my livelihood?
The day I tried on my spouse's skirt was a turning point in my life. In a few weeks I realized that I was a cross dresser. All the 'urges' and desires I had crystallized after one counselling session.
I was in denial for several weeks. 'It will pass!' I kept saying to myself but my body was telling me differently. I was reading much about cross dressing and transgender at the time. When I finally embraced my cross dressing and transgender identity, all of the struggle and tension dissipated. I was at peace with my decision and I haven't looked back since.
Today, I am a happy and content cross dresser and transgender. I have been completed and liberated. I would encourage every one struggling with gender and sexuality to seek counseling to sort out their feeelings. I wonder if letting people explore their gender would lessen all the remorse and guilty hoisted upon them? I thank God for who I am. I'm free to be the person that He wants me to be.

Genevieve

Transgender and Proud

I have been crossdressing for roughly three years. I am transgender also. I embraced both during my coming out process and have never been happier.

During this time I have learned much from those who came before me. Fifty six is relatively late to realize my transgender identity but I believe there are reasons. I have been a late comer to many activities. Why, I was late to my high school graduation. The motto 'better late than never' suits me.

Many have known that they are transgender in childhood. I never had feelings of being different until my thirties. During these past three years I have grown emotionallly and spiritually. I have found a family that I never knew I had. Transgender is a diverse and broad term which describes many gender expressions. I am a peace and content with being transgender and a cross dresser and I'm proud of that. I enjoy dressing and going out but I have decide to be involved in advancing equal rights for transgenders.

I didn't suffer many things that some of us have but I am part of family. The more that I express myself the more likely that I may encounter something more than a few lewd comments. Looking ahead, I see more improvements in the lives of transgender people. I will stay positive, keep learning and understanding, and contribute my time and efforts for transgender people.

GENEVIEVE'S GEMS

Share your story with others. It's worth telling because it may help someone else to be bold and proud of who they are.

GENEVIEVE'S GEMS

Be who you are. Don't let anyone say to you that you are not worthy of dignity or respect.

With each passing day my allegiance to the transgender community deepens.

It's hard to believe that it was 40 years ago when Martin Luther King was felled by an assassin's bullet. I was a nineteen year old college student at the time. I just finished my last class and was walking to the cafeteria for dinner. My roommate told me that King was killed.
I do remember a flash of anger surged through me. I could have lashed out like many did in the ensuing riots that followed. I chose not to follw the same path because it would lower me to the level of those who wished him dead. I remember a number of white students telling me personally how sorry they were about what happened. Looking at the hurt in their faces, they were sincere and heartbroken. There were memorial services on campus and it was quite evident that may people were hurting and grieving. King's assassination was the fourth within five years. John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, and Malcolm X suffered the same fate.
Fast forward 40 years. While many gains have been made, there's still much to be done. Where are the dynamic leaders? More importantly, where are those people who will roll up their sleeves and get down to the hard work of affecting life changing decisions. It starts with each and every one of us. I am at the point in my life that I want to make a difference. I will be teaching soon. I'm currently involved in a couple of projects in which I pray that will generate interest and activity towards improving the lives of others. It is important to get the people who are affected by injustice involved in the problem solving process.
I will always be grateful to Dr. King for his courage and conviction to do what was right. It is our duty to do what is right despite those who would interfere or stop us altogether. As a transgender and an African-American, I will do what is right in his sight. Working to improve the lives of my LGBTQI sisters and brothers is one of my goals. Like Dr. King, I must do what is right.

GENEVIEVE'S GEMS

Crossroads are places we arrive at but have to choose which one to trod.

I will be at the Gay Expo this Saturday at the Jacob Javits Center here in New York City. American Veterans for Equal Rights, an LGBTQ veterans group which I am a member, will be sponsoring a table at the event.

I was wondering if I should come dressed to the event. Well, low and behold, the leader of the group called and said to dress up. HOORAY!!. I can't wait. AVER is a vets group open to all GLBTQ vets. We are looking to get the word out that there is a veterans group for GLBTQ men and women who have served in the armed forces. One of the groups' goals is to have "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" law repealed. It is an ambiguous regulation which unfairly penalizes GLBT people because of their sexual/gender expression.

I will let you how everything went next week.

Genevieve