It's been said that some of the greatest feats came during moments of duress. The apostle Paul wrote many of hte epistles from a prison cell. George Washington's leadership came through though his army was beaten and undermanned.
My darkest hours were during the summer of 2004. I recently reread some of the poetry I had written at that time. The dozen or so pieces written spoke of abandonment, darkness and despair. I felt as if I was descending into an abyss not of my choosing. I spoke of leaving everything I knew for a life of celibacy and abandonment. What was so unsettling was the fact that I did not know what I was wrestling with.
I look at these poems and see the depths of my struggle to discover what I was fighting against. I posted a poem called 'Urges' back in June which highlight a pull into a world that I knew nothing about. The bottom came when I felt that I was looking up at the bottom of my dark abyss.
Out of this dark time I learned some valuble lessons. The first is that when your down, you can quit and give up or continue to fight. Second, write down what you are feeling and experiencing. Don't hold back! I wrote for hours on end until I was emptied of all my frustrations and fears.
Third, I was able to reach deep within the depths of my soul and lay everything bare. This was barrier that I had long sought to overcome. I believe that it was the first time in years that I revealed my fears, my vulnerability, and that I needed help. This was critical in my life because a year later, I came out as a crossdresser and transgender woman.
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