Friday, February 25, 2011


The journey has been long but I wouldn't trade all my experiences for anything.


Thursday, February 24, 2011

OnGoing Journey

I had been a crossdresser for only a short time when I sensed that this experience ran much deeper than the clothing I was wearing.I realized that I was headed to unchartered territory; placed in which I had never traveled.

The caveat of this was where was I going? How far could this journey take me? Now six years later, having transitioned to a transsexual, the journey is ongoing. I mentioned to a friend that this journey will always be but that I'm compelled to keep going.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Another Discussion

My spouse and I were conversing about a range of subjects. We talked about the events in Egypt, Wisconsin, and other places. We covered the Defense of Marriage Act, same-sex adoption and Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. I mentioned to Louise that transgender people are still discriminated by this policy.
Our conversation shifted to my being transgender. I shared more about myself that I never told her. She still sees me as a man. That may have something to do with her perception of transgender people. I explained to her that I’m not going to take hormones or have the surgery.
I believe this is one fear she has. I reassured her that I’m not going this route. I never had the desire and I don’t now. I shared with Louise that most transgender and transsexual people, for various reasons, opt not to have the surgery or take hormones.
She believes that my being transgender has affected our relationship from a romantic point. I admit that I’ve never been a romantic but I will do things to improve this area of our lives. We’ve been married nearly thirty-one years and I do love her.
Louise has come to terms with my being transgender. She is thankful that I never forced this onto her. When it first came out to her, she could have rejected my new identity. She accepts that this is a part of me. I told her that this is a journey that I’m on. I keep discovering new parts of me practically everyday. This was probably the most in-depth discussion we’ve had to date.


Saturday, February 19, 2011

Winter Seems Long; My Journey is Even Longer.

One of the aspects of winter is that it seems never ending. Short days and long nights make winter feel longer than it really is. Winter will evolve into spring.

My journey as a transgender person is continuing. Seasons will change and I along with it. I have long ago not say that the journey will end. In recent days that fact was brought forth to me. I surmise that there is more for me to discover. What, I don't know. Perhaps because I'm a seeker by nature I may be expecting something that may not be there. In my heart, I don't believe that it's the case. I have embraced whatever came into my life and will continue to do this.

Reading so many stories of other folks is very encouraging and strengthening. I'm not alone which is a comforting thought. Just like each person has to travel along his or her own road, I must do the same. Some people remark to me that I should think about retirement. I reply that I will always be doing something. We can retire from a job but never from life. That's why I'm enjoying my journey.


Friday, February 18, 2011


There comes the time when an oppressed group has to take a stand for justice and equality. Now is the time.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Old Stories Reveal Gender Struggles

I read through some of my old writings prior to and after I came out. I was a jumble of confusion and longing. I was confused about my gender. At the same time I wanted to break out of my so-called normal existence.

After I came out, I grew into my new identity as a transgender person. I absorbed every experience that came my way. My gender issues stretched as far back as 2000. I didn't know what I was wrestling with at that time. It was much bigger than I imagined. I always believed that we possess both feminine and masculine traits. Why some are equated with one gender and not the other is beyond me. It shows the fallacy of the gender binary system when someone goes against it.

I have changed my belief system many times though my core beliefs are intact. Belief systems aren't as fixed as society would like us to believe. Treating other people as human beings is one of my main beliefs. I don't see how anyone can say that they love all people and mistreat some because of their race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation.

Here it is in 2011 and my life is different in perspective as well as in identity. It is ever evolving and I am happier now more than ever. I am at peace with who I am. Perhaps my transgender identity being revealed to me later in my life makes it all the sweeter.


Friday, February 11, 2011


Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.

~Carl Jung (1875-1961)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Dark Days

Some of my darkest days happened in the year that I came out as transgender. I wrote short stories and poems which were dark, melancholy, and hopeless. I was falling into an abyss.

What I remember most is the utter hopelessness that I experienced. It was as if another person was trying to take over my life. I believed that I was better off being abandoned and confined to a lonely and desolate existence.

Looking back now I had to throw off the shackles of the now and embrace the unknown-whatever it was. I was like a blind person groping for something solid to grasp a hold of. When the clouds lifted I had a new life.

From time to time I have those days when I just want to be left alone. They are no where near those dark days prior to my coming out. I change my thought pattern when I feel those moods coming on. Life is wonderful and I’m enjoying it immensely.


Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Still Curious

I justed finished reading the book Out of the Ordinary. In it are the stories of the children of gay, lesbian, and transgender parents. As far as I know this is the only book that has the the stories of the children.

As I read these stories I reminisced over the past five years plus of my gender transformation. Each day I'm discovering something new. I realize that the journey I'm on will continue throughout my life. I don't mind because I'm a seeker. I always want to know more. Like my adventurous forays into the forest as a child, I still have tht child like curiosity. It's seem that I don't want to miss anything.

As I read other people stories, I'm struck by their honesty and openness. I treasure each story as they are sharing a bit of themselves. It's not always easy to do but it's a step that we are willing to take.


Friday, February 04, 2011


Difference often brings another perspective to an issue.


Difference Is Good

In the book that I'm currently reading, a young teen named Kelley knew she was lesbian. She didn't want to be different but saw that she was. Her story reminded me of the struggles of my feeling different.

When people think of difference they may think oddball, or rebel, or freak, or not not in their class or social group. Believe me, I've felt those barbs from time to time. Society has been blessed by people who are different. Folks who think outside the box have contributed much to the advancedment of social and political issues.

Difference is good because it spices up life. A rich mosiac is formed when people are allowed to thrive and blossom. When those who are not within the strict confines of societal conformity, they are often shunned, ignored, or shunted to the sidelines of life. It's a shame because rich relationships are not formed and developed.

Looking over my life, I always felt a kinship to those who are outside the norm. Now that I have discovered my own difference in gender, I have a better understanding of what it is to be an outsider. Yes I'm different and I embrace it wholeheartedly. As I trek on the roads of life, I surmise that there is a course that is set for me. Wherever it leads me, I am compelled to walk it.

Over the past few weeks, I have reflected on the roads crossed thus far. I wonder what roads I have to travel. I pray that people are encouraged to know that difference is good. You are you and I'm very happy that you are who you are.


Thursday, February 03, 2011

Sharing My Story

The last three posts were a departure from my norm. I felt that it was important because everyone has a story to share. I pray that some are encouraged by my story. Some may feel that they are the only ones out there struggling with gender issues. You are not alone.

I make it a point of sharing my story once a year because they are people who may have recently come out. I say to them congratulations and welcome. One of the pleasures of these posts is seeing many men and women come to terms with who they are. It's wonderful that they have chosen to be authentic.

When I came out to my spouse it was a frightful event not knowing how it would turn out. After the initial shock wore off, she has been accepting of my being transsexual. It did the same with my son. I'm also sensitive about the stigma and phobia society has against the TGLB community as a whole. I have spoken out when we are attacked. I am willing to take on anyone who demeans us or anyone else for that matter.

I pray that many have been encouraged. I look forward to posting more blogs that inform, encourage, challenge, and strengthen us.


Tuesday, February 01, 2011

My Coming Out -Conclusion

I embraced whatever came my way. It seemed that I was nudged along as I trekked along the gender road. In May, 2009, I sensed that I was to cross another road-a road that would alter the course of my life. Two years earlier I sensed that this change would be made.

I hesitated because I knew that this change would change my perspective about gender and being gender variant. I realized that I could not go back to where I was. Just like life, gender fluidity is not stationary. In June, 2009, I finally crossed that road declaring myself a trangenderist. I was always equally comfortable as masculine and feminine. Gnder fluidity has taught me that both are an intrinsic part of everyone's life whther or not they are willing to admit it.

Life was sailing along for ten months when I sensed that another change was to come. I didn't feel anxious likeI did when coming out as a transgenderist. I didn't see myself as being transsexual. I remember a lovely transsexual woman sharing with me a few years before that I may be. At that point I believed that I had to have gender reassignment surgery in order to be a transsexual. Upon further research, I saw that a person can be transsexual without having the surgery. This is where I was.

When I came out as transsexual in June, 2010, I completed my third life changing experience. I see myself in feminine terms and consider msyelf a transsexual woman. I never wanted to have the surgery or take hormones because I feel that I never had the desire to.

It's amazing that in nearly six I have been transformed so much. From a crossdresser to transgenderist to transsexual. It's been quite a journey which is still ongoing. I first came out when I was fifty-six. I'm sixty-two and have never been happier in my life. I'm looking forward to more of what life has for me as a transsexual woman.